Find below the ultimate Mayo recipe as written by the girlfriends dad, he’s mentioned it to me before and I’ve even tasted it a fair few times, but the other day, Nick, finally reckons that he’s mastered it and offered up the recipe, it turns out we make masochistic Mayo, see what you think…

MAYONNAISE

Mayonnaise has nothing to do with Mayonne in France, but comes from a corruption of Mahon capital of Minorca.

As is usual, the food is produced from what the local house-wife has had to hand over the years. It has been internationalised, and corrupted, ever since.

Traditionally whisked by hand, this version uses the modern kitchen convenience of a food processor. Those who have time to spare and are of a masochistic bent may like to follow the ‘correct’ method given after the the ‘cheats’ version .

Ingredients

• EGG -any egg will do- small, medium or large- quail to ostrich. The larger the egg the greater shading upwards of the dry ingredients has to be.; i.e. A very small hen’s egg will need approx. ¼ teaspoon less mustard than a very large hen’s egg. Try to use a room-temperature egg.
• MUSTARD- Dry Coleman’s powder is best; fancy French mixes are all very well but usually come with flavours you don’t want, too little solid matter and too much vinegar. If you are reduced to using a pre-mixed mustard, be very careful about adding more vinegar and nearly double the tea-spoon rate( all in all- avoid).
• PEPPER- as always, freshly milled. Black, white(hot, no taste) or three pepper mixes, it matters not.
• SALT- anything in the cupboard marked ‘Salt’.
• SUGAR- anything in the cupboard marked ‘Sugar’. Icing sugar might be tricky as it could congeal, brown sugar may stain the finished sauce an unwanted colour; but ,Hey! We all need a little sweetness.
• OLIVE OIL- There are whole libraries dedicated to books and treatises on which olive oil you should use for what purpose, just pick up the nearest bottle to hand that has enough in it. E.V.O.O. Has the distinctive nutty/oily taste, Sainsbury’s cheapest gives a lighter, less pervasive, less intrusive finish; mix and match as you like and by all means use any other good quality oil such as sunflower, grape seed, etc. I would avoid sump oil or used chip oil, though.
• VINEGAR- Try to use white wine, sherry or cider vinegar. Other vinegars will work but may impart flavours you don’t want. Try not to use malt vinegar or spirit vinegar, these are boring.
• WATER- out of the tap, hot or cold.

METHOD

Assemble clean food processor and plug in. DO NOT SWITCH ON AT THE WALL

1. With the lid off, crack your egg on the side and prise apart allowing the yolk and white to fall into the machine. Retrieve the broken shell bits that fell in with a spoon, a fork or a knife. NOW YOU CAN SWITCH IT ON.
2. Add 1 ½ teaspoons of mustard, ¼ teaspoon pepper, ¼ teaspoon salt and 2 teaspoons sugar.
3. Whizz. Stop. Make sure all ingredients are off the side of the mixing vessel and whizz again.
4. Take the oil and, while the machine is running, DRIP and I mean DRIP oil into the mix. 1 drip a second to begin with, gradually increasing to a very thin string of oil. Give the mix little rests from oil as you go but keep it wizzing. This process should take about 2 minutes to get to the ‘string’ stage. ( Here’s the science: what you are trying to do is against nature. You are trying to persuade oil and water to mix. Without ultra-sound or heat this is tricky, so you make it easier by introducing a very finely divided matrix which absorbs some water, the mustard powder, and which allows the oil to form an emulsion with the powder/ water mix. Adding oil too fast over loads the equation and stability is lost. What happens then is that the emulsion ‘splits’ reverting to a goo of egg & mustard with oil floating around on top. Messy!! )
5. Keep the string going and the emulsion will thicken and thicken until the mixer audibly begins to slow and you have what looks like unprocessed rubber around the blades. Add max. 1 table-spoon of vinegar. This will cause the gunge to ‘slacken’ somewhat, now add some water, say 1 tablespoon at a time, until the mix moves freely again. Then restart the string. Adjust the water/oil rate until you have ½ pint of the most delicious Mayo in the world.

NOTES

As in all cooking ‘what you put in, affects what you get out’. So, fiddle the ingredients to suit your taste. Use a particular oil, less salt, more sugar etc.,etc.

HARD COOKS VERSION – [Masochistic]

Ingredients as before.

1. Separate out the white from the yolk by cracking/halving the egg and pouring the yolk from half to half discarding the white.
2. In a dry mixing bowl put the yolk and dry ingredients and beat with a whisk until smooth and pale.
3. Add, and this is really tricky, oil drop by drop while whisking and whisking.
4. Weep as your hand and arm muscles spasm, but keep whisking.
5. Continue as above with the thickening/thinning process until you have the Mayo as before.
6. Resolve to use machine next time

Ingredients

• 2 Red Peppers
• 2 Green chili
• 2 Red chili
• 5 chunky garlic cloves
• A teaspoon of fennel seeds
• Pinch of saffron
• 1/2 punch of cumin
• 1/2 punch of corriander
• 2 seconds of olive oil

First off turn the grill on so it gets good and hot while you halve and de-seed the pepers and chilis. Pop them under the grill to blacken and blister the skins. When they are blistered, put them in a bowl with cellophane over the top and leave to cool down. Then marvel, as hey presto, the skins simply fall away, perhaps with a little knife encouragement.

When the peppers and chilis are blackening, roast the fennel seeds. Easiest way to do this is pop them into a dry fring pan and heat them up. Keep them moving about so they don’t burn and roast them for about 2 – 3 mins, when you will able to smell the fennel. When roasted, grind them up. You could do this in a manly style with pestle and mortar (a bowl and a stick) or take a leaf from Sensi’s book and use a coffee grinder.

Next to the blender. Peel the garlic and whizz them up in the blender. Add a pinch of saffron and the skinned peppers and chilis. More blending. Then chuck in the cumin, cooriander, roasted ground fennel and 2 seconds of extra virgin olive oil. A final blend and you are left with a fiery, aromatic paste.

One taste and I can feel the Scirroco blowing accross my cheek.

Harissa is a must with cous cous, can be used as a marinade on pork or chicken, or just smeared on bread.

• 1 medium red onion
• About 8 – 10 mushrooms
• A splash of balsamic vinegar
• A splash of soy sauce
• 1/2 pint of chicken stock
• salt and pepper

Put a pan big enough to hold all the ingredients on the heat with three seconds of olive oil. While it’s getting hot, turn your attention to the onion. Finely slice the red onion then add it to the now hot oil with some salt and pepper and sweat it in the usual style.

While the onions sweat, finely slice the mushrooms. When the onions start to caramelise, add 1 second of balsamic vinegar. Caramelising is when the sugar in the onions starts to go brown but not burnt. It’s a fine line, don’t cross it. In with the sliced mushrooms and a splash of soy sauce, then in with 1/2 pint of chicken stock. Give it all a good stir and keep cooking it till it is the consistentcy you require. That is to say, if it is a bit watery, reduce it a bit . It needs to be thicker than coffee but thinner than custard.

Gravy is a must with sausages but goes with just about anything dry. I think it would even be ok with a roast. Give it a try and if it doesn’t work, don’t do it again.

Ingredients

• 2 red peppers
• 1 medium onion
• 4 chunky garlics
• Good splash of Balsamic Vinegar
• and a good splash of Soy sauce
• 1/2 a cup of water
• Olive oil
• A teaspoon of honey
• Salt and Pepper

De-seed the red peppers in the usual fashion and cut into chunks. Also cut the onion and garlics into chunks. Then put a pan on the heat with olive oil and get it hot hot hot. Be bold with oil. Chuck all the chunkiness into the hot pan, along with good amounts of salt and pepper and more oil if needed, turn the heat down then sweat it. Stir in a good splash of balsamic vinegar, the same of soy sauce and a teaspoon of honey. Give it a big stir,whack the heat up for bubblation, once bubblation has been reached, turn down for simmeration.

When it’s been on for a while, maybe 15-20 mins, plop the simmered gubbins into a blender and blend. Taste. Add more seasoning to taste and there you go.

It has a fantastic colour and goes really well with loads of stuff that needs some vivid wetness; Fishcakes and Meatballs to name but two.

Ingredients

• 4 cloves of Garlic
• 3 avocados
• Pinch of cayenne pepper
• Olive oil
• Juice from 1 ½ lemons
• Salt and pepper

Chuck 4 peeled garlic cloves into you blender and blitz. Halve and de-stone the avocados being careful not to cut your hand off. That would be folly. Remove the skin and add to the blender and continue the blitz. Whilst it’s blitzing, add 6 seconds of olive oil, check for lumps and scrape down the sides of the blender. It may seem obvious but turn the blender off when scraping down or else you may lose the other hand. Another 8 seconds of olive oil, some pepper and salt and a tiny bit of cayenne. Penultimately, the juice of 1 ½ limes should be squeezed in. it is imperative that this is done by hand; you must feel the food. Finally, add a good handful of roughly chopped coriander and give a short sharp blitz. Don’t worry if there are a few small lumps. Do not make this one in advance, it will go brown and look rather unappetizing.

Ingredients

• Pine nuts (100g)
• Grated Parmesan
• 2 cloves of garlic
• Basil
• Olive oil
• Lemon Juice
• Salt and pepper

Honestly I can’t remember the exact quantities of each item, but Pesto is one of those things that even I can get right, using just my eyes, taste and better judgement, oh and of course the MCC’s best kitchen power tool – the blender.

Get ye olde blender our of the cupboard, clean off dust and plug in. Add the garlic to the blender bowl and whizz it up. After a second or two, get a spatula type thing and scrape aroound the edges of the bowl, just to make sure that the garlic doesn’t get stuck.

Add in the pine nuts, whizz up again for a few seconds, power down and scrape the edges and the bottom again, and then power up for another few seconds. Pour in 5 seconds of the oil, power up, scrape sides, etc.

Add the basil and lemon, whizz, mix by hand, add more oil, whizz, add Parmesan and a few pinches of salt. Whizz up again. If you feel that the consistancy isn’t liquid enough, add some more oil and whizz up again.

You should be left with a consistancy like above, that will last you about a week, enough for an evening meal with spaghetti and maybe a lunchtime on french bread…